Only You

8:24

Tuesday AM

May 17, 2001

Dear Jim,

I just woke up from a vivid dream and I want to tell you about it.

"Only You" by The Platters, Jim and Norma's song

We were married and Connie was about seven years old. She was wearing a pair of shorts like your milkman overalls. You and I were driving to a house that we were thinking about buying. It was in Detroit and one block off Vernor Highway. I have never seen a street like it. In my dream, I didn't like the house being too close to Vernor, but I liked the house itself. It was a two-story white house. Vernor was beyond the houses. We had gone through the house and had to go to some office building to sign the papers. When we got there, Connie and a friend left, walking down the street.

You and I looked at the room. It was filled with about 75 people who were sitting, waiting to buy their houses. We each had to get a chest xray before we could purchase the house. I told you that we would be waiting for forever, so let's go home and make love. In my dream, the desire was so strong. I said we could come back tomorrow, but you wanted to drive around the house once more. We did, and saw a huge tree growing sideways, the trunk roots were enormous, but since the house was high up off the street, like on a little hill, it was OK. 

You said, "We will have that tree removed as soon as the deal goes through." There was a younger tree growing straight up from the lower, flat part of the yard. We drove back to wait in line to get an xray and buy the property. 

I wonder about this dream. I have never seen a street like that, with the lawn in between the pavement. I remember we looked at houses down near Vernor, but Connie was a baby.

What I awakened, the desire for sex was as strong as if you were still in bed with me. Oh, my darling, I need you so much. I love you so much. Life is so meaningless without you. 

I need to tell you that Walter isn't well and has made two trips to the emergency room this week. His hands, legs and feet are swollen and blotchy. David thinks is might be rheumatic fever, but Walter won't go to Springfield for tests or for a referral. If you were here, maybe hewould let you drive him to David's. (Norma's note: It was gout.)

Also, Margaret's father, John B___, is having more health problems. Couldn't breathe, that's better, but Mr. B___ can't stand up, he has no strength in his legs.

Also, I'm scared about my eyes failing. [Norma was diagnosed with glaucoma.] I need you here to give me confidence and comfort and help if it does happen. 

I miss you so much every hour of every day in every single way. My darling, I treasure my memories of life with you. 

All my love always, 

Norma

12:30 PM

P.S.

Jim, I can't bear my life. I am nothing without you. I am crying now. All I do is cry. The tears fall but I don't feel better. I feel like an empty pitcher. I am not content anywhere or with anyone. The grief support isn't helping. I know everyone carries sorrow and pain and I'm not the only one, but I'm lost without you. You were my life, my reason for living and I have none -- nothing to live for now. I just want you back here with me -- loving and caring for me. Only you can make my life complete -- remember it was our song by The Platters. It was popular while you were in Korea and when you came home. I will always remember those days. I wish it was 1953 again.

This home is just a shell now without you. You know that anywhere you wanted to go was OK with me -- just as long as I could live with you. It was my only desire. I love you so deeply. The pain of not having you here 24 hours a day is more than I can bear. 

Oh, for one more kiss and hug from you, it would be heaven for me.

How can I ever survive this loss? It is more than I can bear. My heart aches for you. My arms are empty. I just go through the days. 

Probably people  would be suprised to read this. I try to act like "I'm adjusting," but I'm not really. It is only a facade. 

Oh, Darling, I want you here with me to love and you knew that I adored you. I am lost without you. I miss being married, but only to you. 

I haven't done
anything but cry and miss you today. 

I'll love you forever.

Norma